News

So in a few weeks I'll be a married person , odd.

It feels very very strange .

A part of me is afraid im losing part of my identity , I know this isn't right but it just feels odd.

Not long now until sis in law has the sprog , the knitting's going great.

The cancer side..............well the mesothelioma has not grown since the chemo.

They say a chance of up to 3 years but the nature of it can change at any time.

Fingers crossed.

Knitting

I've also been knitting for junior , perhaps I should post a pic or two.

wow

stats viewing!! HEY AMERICANS!! since that seems to be my main page viewers lol.

Ok updates

On cancer front Dad had a good result ( no one ever thinks cancer can have a good result if its terminal) no growth so far and a scan in two months ( if growth he will refuse chemo , if no growth til next year he will take chemo then) so potentially we are told up to 3 years if all continues as is which is very important for the little grandchild they are due in january.

The wedding is creeping closer , OH MY GOD IM GETTING MARRIED IN NOVEMBER.

and today we went to the fertility clinic , it was a hi! get on the couch and let me stick this up you.....

lol as in I had a scan which showed an egg ready to pop this weekend so busy busy me an him indoors could very well be , it also means i've been getting my dates and timing very mixed up ...duuuhhh oh well .

They also tested for rubella and chlamydia and have sent a form for hormone testing on the 2nd day of my next period...INTERESTING PEOPLE!

Just saw Levi Roots Dragons Den UK edt , love that sauce! btw dragons den is a uk show levi roots just makes the sauce.

Had my friend visiting , always sad when they go especially as they live so far away!

Soon be time for my sis to come home too , she's my bridesmaid , ooo I've missed her!

Eppy's

I had a breakdown this morning.

Cried sore and the dog knew it was my head and not something else for he kept bashing me on the noggin with his paw as if to say christ its only your brain woman!!

I'll be all sadish tomorrow as the piggle is having his nuts removed and will be fairly sore for a day or two. When the cat had it done he was great brought him home and he was off out like it was A PAARRTTYY ! lol

Dad is sore at times now , gets a scan result on 2nd of sept, feel so very low at times , we all do.

Coutdown TIL AH GET MARRIED!! 8 weeks on the 8th of sept

AH'LL HAVE ME A REDNECK HOEDOWN errr.... or hoe something....

The partners birthday tomorrow , heading out to have japanese for a change , good food , good fun all while his mum n dad babysit the poor piggle...

And no we won't be feasting on bollocks at least not in the restaurant anyway....

I can't stop the tears lately

I feel so fucking miserable.

I can't do anything for my dad or my mum .

On a better note we've decided maybe we should get married while dad is well enough to be there , that means before this year is over probably the autumn , mum wants us to get married on her wedding anniversary but I don't know I think it might feel a bit morbid in a way , I have yet to suggest it to the partner.

Only 2 more rounds of chemo to go , horrendous, the effects were bad this time. He was so tired and so bloated and ill looking. Yet he still looked well in an odd kind of way.

My heart is breaking , nothing is solace right now.

Bad days and good days.

Rain and sunshine.

Life on mars

Loving Life on Mars - first time watching any of it.

Sis leaving on Thurs - feel a bit weepy about that but am not going to tell her that , she has a life lol

will play wow soon , will also have a play on dragonage again , much fun there too only pity its not an mmo

Dad tired after chemo , this is a long game we are playing , my hope is that its years long.

Still no word from clinic

right , knackered going to finish watching this then am sodding off to bed , work in the morning , i could be fucked less....

Smirnoff and apple juice

Its what I'm drinking right now , you see there's family drama about xmas already.

PLEASE people! it may be Dad's last one and everyone is up in arms about extra ppl coming to visit and/or have dinner n shit , yeah ok I don't like it either , make my Dad's potential last xmas a fucking pantomime why don't they .

Fuck it they're coming whether we like it or not anyway.

Lost ....what a heap of shit , what a terrible namby pamby nancy knicker wearing ending...

Ashes to Ashes good ending , not the best but by far better than Lost , ok everyone's dead in both series so it breaks down like this :

Jack saves island = Gene save souls

Jack's Dad = Gene Hunt
Church = Pub
Lost = Ashes to Ashes

There you go and fuck the typeface changes too , really can't be bothered lol.

Vodka does a thing where my nastiness comes out , possibly tonight it needs to I best not speak in Partners direction...

Ages

So its been a while , well I never was the most prolific blogger , not that I have kids to blog about , plenty of real life issues though !

Dad has his last session of chemo next wednesday , my sis is here from Australia on a two week flying visit , at least this way she sees all the shite stuff happening first hand .

I have issues of a feminine nature ( I could give a fuck if this embarrasses anyone) so they are sending me to the fertility clinic , guess this means kids poss sooner than I thought . At nearly 30 I need to sort that shit out before time runs out , that at least I have learned from Dad's illness.

Time isn't on anyone's side not even Gene Hunts ok? and he's dead already anyway!

Work pauchels along at the same rate , same shite from same people , less chance of me putting up with it , I am so definitely not taking it lying down anymore no fucking way.

I'm never too good at blogging , it's not that I've not got anything to say , I've got loads believe me but more of a Ah crap I can't think or Ah crap I can't be bothered.

I will be back though , poss use this as some mad chart of fertility nonsense and Dad's cancer as it was intended for in the first place oh and yes you , you scumbag if you are readi8ng this karma will bite your ass , cheek of anyone wishing karma on a dying man and his family , disgusting thing to say .

ah christ jeremy usually i like you but you are preventing men from leaving and ruining my evening by keeping them here.

well anyway yesits been ages as usual , life has settled into such a weird normalacy its soooo weird.

Sis is coming back on may 19th so that oughta be good , she will be here for at least one of dads chemo treatments .

they've gone thank god.

OMG PLEASE FUCK OFF PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!!...

have 2 men in house , supposedly going out and not moving ... arse being ripped out of my good humour im afraid

sorry its been a long time , times are hard , blogging not so easy , trying to get my head around stuff, need to put it on the macmillan blog.

crying a bit

wish my sis was here

Waiting!

Today I'm not so tired , today I'm chilling around the house , washing dishes and laundry , burning cds and generally feeling ok.

Dad had a sleepless night last night , mum said they were up and down til around 4 when she fell asleep but she reckons dad was still up and about, she says his pain is bad but he managed a walk today with a stick , just a short one .

I'll be there tomorrow evening as tomorrow morning I still have to collect part of a script but I got to wait until postie comes with the book on chemo and eating .

Right now I'm waiting on hot water for rest of dishes and bath oh how I cannot wait to soak myself in a bath I should have bought bubble bath when I was out earlier aloing with the new trainers/walking shoes by karrimor that I got for £16! £16!! and the new jumper for £14 and the fleetwood mac cd for the partner for valentines cos I wont see him then I don't think what with being away at mum and dad's .

Good day , easy day.

Memory

I think I might need Aricept soon, I went to Drs today to get bllods done and collect a script I had ordered ....... only to find I hadnt ordered it.

Nightmare...

Tired still so tired.

Gilr at work that I had the meeting with is really making an effort , we had a great day for the first time in a loooooooooooong time.

Dad is due out tonight , so I'm looking forward to going home to them for a few days and trying to help out , if I get in their hair I will come back to my own place , just so long as I know he's ok and they are comfortable.

This whole not knowing is insane , how do people deal with this?

Why are there no mesothelioma support groups in NI?? why are there no charities to try to make things better for those who suffer it?

I could fundraise for all manner of cancer charities but what about the one that affects my dad? how do I go about starting one? is there even a lot of ppl here who have it? maybe I could fundraise for the thorassic unit he's been in? I DON'T KNOW arrgh

oh and seriously my head is full of clouds , theres a lot I'm not remembering!!!!

Surgery

2 tumours removed , part of diaphram and lung also removed.

Lot of bleeding but surgery was in a very vascular area so they expected it.

Dad is tired easily but in good spirits when we saw him earlier , nice visit just me the partner and him sitting on the bed .

He's sick of rinking water yet anything else makes him nauseous and his appetite is still poor but he appears to be healing well , less gunk coming out the drains and his catheter and a dressing on his back removed .

The pain relief is gonna be hard for him , his epidural will come down at some point in the next couple of days and he is app going to be given Oxycontin , I joked he was like a celebrity but without the money!

I'm going to leave this post for now as I am shattered and ready to head for bed.

Memories!!

Rememebered!! the company Dad worked for is still trading!! oops to them they are getting sued!!

Hospitals

Surgery complete .

Tumours removed , smaller ones felt but not seen , diaphragm (part of) removed , vascular issues ( lots of bleeding) Broken hearted mother , bitch who thinks poking "karma" at a dying man is a funny and wise thing to do.

Dad is on mend from surgery , my head is full of fluffy clouds and sweetie mice and god knows what else , memory is shot to shit even in work I am reliant on my co-workers to keep pushing me to where I need to be or what I need to do.

Talked to a consultant of sorts today who explained the op and was clear that this does not cure it , this is still pallative care.

Next stop chemo.

I had something to write about and promptly have forgotten.

Nope its gone.

Argh.

Hospital

Dad goes in tomorrow for the lung resection(?) on wednesday , they'll break two ribs and chop away part of his lung with tumour and surrounding tissue around the heart and diaphragm .

Its v serious .

Nearly read the will by accident the other day , told mum to put it away and put my foot in it then cos she didnt know it was there so she read it , even though dad had told her she was to know nothing about it.

This is where the hard part starts , this is where we see him get so sick .

I have to steel my nerves , frayed as they are .

I have my bro and his wife here supporting them too , I wish I could hug my sis , I wish I could tell her to come home , I hope she comes home soon.

Mum's getting forgetful , lighting a cig, staring off into air and then stubbing it out when its burnt itself down. She put the frying pan into the oven , forgot about it and turned the oven on :)

She's trying to cook better food for Dad and she's just a bit all over the place , I can only imagine what its like for her , I'm only a daughter , thats his wife and my god does she love him .

His webcam wasn't working today , Sis rang home from Oz so I'll have to get my guy to fix it later.

Happier note for me , my favourite pc game is releasing more content , some I can get tonight .

This is my escape , my salvation.

I think I need my tablets again , stress is really getting to me , sounds selfish and it is but it's getting to us all in our own ways.

I love my dad , my hero.

More work

So today I got told I am "unapproachable because of your situation" MY DAD HAS CANCER that does not FUCKING MEAN IT CAN'T BE MENTIONED . TRY ASKING ME ABOUT IT YOU FUCKING TWAT!

I am constantly being asked and talking to people at work about it , just that one person who has so far shown no interest and who has had a go at me on phone because of shifts I've requested with management which she is NOT .

I'm so fucking tired .

Work

Things just seem to get crapper.

Dad's surgery is on the 3rd of Feb and a girl at work is making my life a misery cos I needed changes made to the rota.

I really don't think I can take much more .

Tomorrow I get to work with said girl but unbeknownst to her the Sister wants us to have a meeting with the Manager because of her behaviour and how it is affecting not just me but everyone else on the floor too.

She rang me in the middle of a dr appt giving off and forcing me to take days as annual leave that I didnt want to take , the dr was shocked as she heard it all and said " considering what you are going through I can't believe that that girl just spoke to you like that"

Enough is enough I can't stick it any longer.

Time

I wonder when we'll get that call for the surgery?

Meantimes Dad is doing a cracking job of just carrying on with his photography and computing.

It's hard to believe he'll never work again , that a part of his life is at an end through no choice or expectation of his own.

Been to the podiatry , thankfully the toes are healing and all is well on that end.

I'm hoping things start to settle here too , I wonder sometimes if the Partner will be around in years to come ,I don't know what to expect anymore.

I miss my friend , very very much , sometimes I get jealous hearing talk lol but thats because I'm here and not there .

If I was there oh the life I'd have but the guilt I'd have for not being here with Mum and Dad would be worse .

Worries

Still no word from the hospital , waiting is a nightmare but then we've been waiting since November for all of it.

Dad seems well enough but as he said to an aunt who told him that " that will teach you to judge a book by its cover"

And so there it is , the scariness of it, he seems so well for someone terminally ill.

Sis was on webcam from Aus- she hadnt realised that he was not going back to work and that all the stuff in the room behind us was from his office , another harsh fact slapped in our faces.

My poor mother she turns to everyone outside of the immediate family , I think shes never had to look to us kids before and so now when she has to she doesnt think and still turns to those less important. It will make for arguments , big bro will have to step in soon.

Mum's no good with finances , I pity her cos without Dad its going to be harder than she ever thought.

Mind you there have been laughs this weekend , Mum flashed my sis on the webcam !!

Stress

So I had my breakdown on monday night , my partner accused me of bullying him saying that he couldnt keep me happy etc etc and I ran out of the house and cried down a back alley.

I came back to the house sat down and said "It isn't about you , this isn't about you " and he's all " I don't know how much longer I can stick this "etc and I said " You need to think about what you want to do but I can't help how I am not right now " I said " My Daddy is dying and I'm scared!" amongst sobs , it went downhill from there and felt fairly cathartic after a while .

Next day was the appt as detailed before and I got two ingrowing toenails removed , my god its sore.

I had to leave work early yesterday because I couldn't walk and take today off too . I'm fairly sure I will face a disiplinary for it.. oh well.. in the grand scheme of things work aint that important compared to everything else.

I'm struggling today to ditch old crockery and move boxes while tidying the kitchen. Seemingly I can't walk very far without the pressure being a bit much for my toes .

I haven't heard if Daddy has a date for the surgery yet .

I pray its soon.

Cancer and appointments

Today was Dad's first appointment with the surgeon accompanied by Mum , myself and his sister .

I can't recall the last time I ever did anything so difficult , to sit in a room with family and listen to the large and completely forgettable names of procedures that will be done to try to save someones life.

We are warned , Mesothelioma has no friends and kills no matter what but what we can hope for is time some months some years we can pray for that surely.

Time= memories . Something we've already started to work on , thinking ahead theres a concert in august so it's booked , theres hot air balloon rides so they will be booked , there are memory books for him and mum to write in , they were bought and given to them today , there are flying lessons and nights away in b&b's or hotels .

All these we will be thinking of , all these we will be trying to do for him , for her.

All this treatment and it won't cure him .

I am scared , scared that he may suffer.

I love my Dad , he's my hero.

Cancer and other things

So here it is , the one thing I thought ( or rather hoped ) would never happen.

Mesothelioma .. sounds nasty doesn't it? Well it is theres no doubting that and its now affecting my family in the only way it can .

My poor dad at some point in his life was exposed to asbestos and this is the result .

The next lot of months are going to be full of pain , operations, treatment and questions, questions we had hoped never to ask and answers we had hoped never to hear.

Its a tough time for us as you can imagine especially for our mum who has to bear the awful brunt of it all , who will by the look of it grow old without her husband by her side and the little sis who is on her travels in Australia and who can do nothing except wait for news in a country where she is without her immediate family but hopefully some good and supportive friends.

I hope this blog doesn't become just a diary of losing one's father to cancer , I hope we have good things to share too , lord knows we need it.