More work

So today I got told I am "unapproachable because of your situation" MY DAD HAS CANCER that does not FUCKING MEAN IT CAN'T BE MENTIONED . TRY ASKING ME ABOUT IT YOU FUCKING TWAT!

I am constantly being asked and talking to people at work about it , just that one person who has so far shown no interest and who has had a go at me on phone because of shifts I've requested with management which she is NOT .

I'm so fucking tired .

Work

Things just seem to get crapper.

Dad's surgery is on the 3rd of Feb and a girl at work is making my life a misery cos I needed changes made to the rota.

I really don't think I can take much more .

Tomorrow I get to work with said girl but unbeknownst to her the Sister wants us to have a meeting with the Manager because of her behaviour and how it is affecting not just me but everyone else on the floor too.

She rang me in the middle of a dr appt giving off and forcing me to take days as annual leave that I didnt want to take , the dr was shocked as she heard it all and said " considering what you are going through I can't believe that that girl just spoke to you like that"

Enough is enough I can't stick it any longer.

Time

I wonder when we'll get that call for the surgery?

Meantimes Dad is doing a cracking job of just carrying on with his photography and computing.

It's hard to believe he'll never work again , that a part of his life is at an end through no choice or expectation of his own.

Been to the podiatry , thankfully the toes are healing and all is well on that end.

I'm hoping things start to settle here too , I wonder sometimes if the Partner will be around in years to come ,I don't know what to expect anymore.

I miss my friend , very very much , sometimes I get jealous hearing talk lol but thats because I'm here and not there .

If I was there oh the life I'd have but the guilt I'd have for not being here with Mum and Dad would be worse .

Worries

Still no word from the hospital , waiting is a nightmare but then we've been waiting since November for all of it.

Dad seems well enough but as he said to an aunt who told him that " that will teach you to judge a book by its cover"

And so there it is , the scariness of it, he seems so well for someone terminally ill.

Sis was on webcam from Aus- she hadnt realised that he was not going back to work and that all the stuff in the room behind us was from his office , another harsh fact slapped in our faces.

My poor mother she turns to everyone outside of the immediate family , I think shes never had to look to us kids before and so now when she has to she doesnt think and still turns to those less important. It will make for arguments , big bro will have to step in soon.

Mum's no good with finances , I pity her cos without Dad its going to be harder than she ever thought.

Mind you there have been laughs this weekend , Mum flashed my sis on the webcam !!

Stress

So I had my breakdown on monday night , my partner accused me of bullying him saying that he couldnt keep me happy etc etc and I ran out of the house and cried down a back alley.

I came back to the house sat down and said "It isn't about you , this isn't about you " and he's all " I don't know how much longer I can stick this "etc and I said " You need to think about what you want to do but I can't help how I am not right now " I said " My Daddy is dying and I'm scared!" amongst sobs , it went downhill from there and felt fairly cathartic after a while .

Next day was the appt as detailed before and I got two ingrowing toenails removed , my god its sore.

I had to leave work early yesterday because I couldn't walk and take today off too . I'm fairly sure I will face a disiplinary for it.. oh well.. in the grand scheme of things work aint that important compared to everything else.

I'm struggling today to ditch old crockery and move boxes while tidying the kitchen. Seemingly I can't walk very far without the pressure being a bit much for my toes .

I haven't heard if Daddy has a date for the surgery yet .

I pray its soon.

Cancer and appointments

Today was Dad's first appointment with the surgeon accompanied by Mum , myself and his sister .

I can't recall the last time I ever did anything so difficult , to sit in a room with family and listen to the large and completely forgettable names of procedures that will be done to try to save someones life.

We are warned , Mesothelioma has no friends and kills no matter what but what we can hope for is time some months some years we can pray for that surely.

Time= memories . Something we've already started to work on , thinking ahead theres a concert in august so it's booked , theres hot air balloon rides so they will be booked , there are memory books for him and mum to write in , they were bought and given to them today , there are flying lessons and nights away in b&b's or hotels .

All these we will be thinking of , all these we will be trying to do for him , for her.

All this treatment and it won't cure him .

I am scared , scared that he may suffer.

I love my Dad , he's my hero.

Cancer and other things

So here it is , the one thing I thought ( or rather hoped ) would never happen.

Mesothelioma .. sounds nasty doesn't it? Well it is theres no doubting that and its now affecting my family in the only way it can .

My poor dad at some point in his life was exposed to asbestos and this is the result .

The next lot of months are going to be full of pain , operations, treatment and questions, questions we had hoped never to ask and answers we had hoped never to hear.

Its a tough time for us as you can imagine especially for our mum who has to bear the awful brunt of it all , who will by the look of it grow old without her husband by her side and the little sis who is on her travels in Australia and who can do nothing except wait for news in a country where she is without her immediate family but hopefully some good and supportive friends.

I hope this blog doesn't become just a diary of losing one's father to cancer , I hope we have good things to share too , lord knows we need it.